Want to know a secret? Self-confidence does not come from magically and automatically being perfect. What many people don’t realize is that self-confidence is a by-product of taking action. Self-confidence is having a strong belief in yourself and your own abilities, and you can’t have that if you are too afraid to try new things. The less you DO, the more your self-confidence diminishes. You may believe that the outcome you are aiming for has turn out perfectly or the actions you take have to be perfect from the get-go, and if you don’t know how to have the “perfect result” you may get totally stuck and do nothing or see yourself as a failure.
This thought pattern often starts in childhood. Of course, most parents do not intend to harm their children’s emotional development. They think they are protecting their children by doing difficult tasks for them instead of letting their children try, fail, try again, get stronger, try again, and gain mastery. If you have ever watched a baby learning to walk, you will see how self-confidence develops. What often happens though is that parents believe they can do things better than their child (of course they can they have mastery!!) and don’t give their kids the opportunity to develop skills themselves. Without gaining mastery of life skills, a child’s self-confidence is hampered. Children then grow up thinking they can’t do something, when they’ve never tried, or they are too afraid to fail and believe they aren’t good enough to succeed. People who lack self-confidence then rely on the approval of others as the basis for their decision-making and action taking.
Regardless of when or how your self-confidence may have started to wane, it’s not too late to gain your self-confidence back as an adult. You can make conscious choices that will allow you to start from the beginning…now. When it comes to self-confidence you need to remember one thing – action brings results. You have to take a chance and step out of your comfort zone to act upon something you want to accomplish.
Start with something small. With each success, write down what you accomplished to reach that success point. Even if you don’t reach the goal, or hit an objective, it doesn’t mean you failed completely. Take note of your actions, how you got to that point, and what did and didn’t work. Learn from the process and then think outside the box to come up with new ways to approach the goal that might bring a more successful outcome. Remember the phrase, ‘practices makes perfect’? There’s a reason for this popular phrase. Practice through action brings about trial and error and eventual mastery. And this is what brings about self-confidence. Or as I like to say, “Try and try again, keep going until you get there.” (Just keep thinking of that baby learning to walk…what if they quit because they were scared of falling?!)
Identify an area you feel you lack confidence. Maybe there’s a promotion at work you aren’t sure you’d qualify for but you’d really like to advance in your job. Perhaps there’s a social group you’ve thought about joining, but you don’t feel you’d have anything in common with anyone so you’re too shy to take that step. There may even be someone close to you who is always overly critical and their words and actions send you reeling every single time you talk. Take a chance. Open up and allow yourself to take a risk even if you are afraid of failing or of being rejected. Deal with the situation head on. Learn to tackle situations one step at a time. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and fail. And, even if you are afraid, consider doing it anyway. Some of the most successful people started out with lots of mistakes and “failures”. Failing isn’t actually fatal. It’s not a dead end. It’s learning what doesn’t work. (Remember Thomas Edison didn’t fail 10,000 times when he was trying to invent the light bulb. He just found 10,000 ways that didn’t work and kept on until he came up with the one method that did.)
Reach out to trusted family, friends, and mentors you look up to. Or hire a coach to help you on your path to self-confidence. Don’t be afraid to confide in them your struggle with building your self-confidence. Share with them just how difficult it is for you to deal with certain issues, like the ones mentioned above. Take their shared support and encouragement to heart. Use it to alter your inner dialogue into confidence boosting affirmations like, “I know I have the skills to successfully perform all the new job duties for this career advancement.” Or, “I can make lasting friendships with people who truly see the value of what I bring to the relationship. And I make a difference in their lives.”
There’s a reason the past is in the past. Don’t let your past, or the critical words of others mold your perception of who you are right now. You can build an unshakable confidence in the person you are becoming! Remember progress is key, not perfection.