Burnout

How many times a day do you hear people talk about feeling “burned out”? I know in my profession and from speaking to many of my colleagues and clients, I hear it often. Life these days doesn’t often lend itself to feeling rested and maintaining a sense of well-being on a daily basis. Our minds and our bodies need to regroup (if only for a few minutes) or we run the risk of running into overdrive and heading towards burnout. So, how can you tell if you’re heading down the path of burnout, what causes it and what can you do about it?

According to Webster’s dictionary, burnout is a state of physical and emotional exhaustion (and I would include mental also) usually the result of prolonged stress or frustration. Most people associate burnout with certain types of professions (like therapists and social workers) or work related stress such as working in a high-pressure job that is overly demanding or in a work situation that is chaotic or that you have little control. I know for me, working in a situation that was high stress, overwhelmingly demanding AND chaotic became too much. It took less than a year for me to figure out that this kind of environment just wasn’t for me. My sanity and my relationship with my then 2 year-old daughter were worth a lot more to me than the great paycheck! I’ve been working for myself ever since.

So, when you are feeling burnt out in your job or career, you may feel unmotivated, disengaged, detached, and exhausted. But burnout is not solely caused by tiresome or stressful work responsibilities. It can also be caused by lifestyle choices and personality styles. For example, if your life is packed FULL of responsibilities and obligations, like an overflowing plate, and you want to be all things to all people, chances are you are heading for exhaustion and burnout.

In this instance, you may want to ask yourself exactly why it is you feel the need to keep your life and plate filled in this way. Because if you are a perfectionist and feel like nothing you ever do is good enough or are a control freak and can’t ever delegate anything because you believe no one else can ever be good enough either you’re going to have a raging fire burning at both ends and will be overloaded. Perhaps it’s time to tweak these personality traits and mindset beliefs.

Signs that you may be disappearing down the rabbit hole of Burnout might include:

  • Trouble focusing or paying attention
  • Lack of motivation
  • Lack of energy
  • Feeling fatigued
  • Decrease in work performance/productivity
  • Procrastination
  • Interpersonal communication problems with co-workers or with loved ones at home
  • Poor self-care
  • Increased frustration
  • Cynicism, negative thinking
  • Insomnia
  • Feeling trapped
  • Decreased sense of satisfaction
  • Unexplained physical ailments

As humans, we have this tendency to think we are invincible. We believe that we can push our bodies and minds to the breaking point without cost. But the cost is enormous. Because our body and mind are fully connected, too much stress on one or the other can and will get the whole system to shut down. I’ve had clients tell me how their bodies and brains completely shut down because they pushed too far. Many end up in the hospital. Your body and your mind WILL give you warning signs. Pay attention.

How to avoid getting Burnt Out?

  • Start your day with a positive attitude and intention. Not sure how? See my post on how to start your day off right here.woman happy in field
  • Create a healthy lifestyle – one that includes time for fun, self-care and rejuvenation. It’s important to include time to recharge regularly. Ensure that your non-work life is very fulfilling and enjoyable. Having a healthy lifestyle also includes good nutrition and regular exercise.
  • Unplug – Take some time daily to switch off from emails, cell phones, TVs, and computers. Give your body and brain a break from technology and give yourself a chance to reconnect with your loved ones. Your family will thank you! J In our house, there is no technology during meal times and we have the best conversations and play lots of fun games with each other and that deepens our connections.
  • Get plenty of rest. Your brain rests and recharges during sleep. Taking a 10 or 20-minute nap will do wonders to give you a mental boost. And most people need at least 7 hours of sleep per night. If you aren’t getting that, it WILL catch up with you.
  • Take a mental break every hour. Neuroscientists tell us that just 60 seconds each hour refreshes the brain and can help you focus better and be more productive. So, get up from the computer, put down the book, take a few deep breaths, have a great big yawn and stretch, and then go back to working or studying. If you have a couple of minutes, talk a short walk.

If you are heading to burnout and exhaustion take steps to remedy the situation before it is too late. And, if you are in a job you hate, have a serious think about whether or not you really have to be doing THIS particular job/career. If you are convinced that this is the ONLY way to go, re-evaluate your job description and duties, address issues as they arise, and take sick time/vacations when needed. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you are the only one who can do your job and you have to work night and day to get it done. I promise you that if you became seriously ill, there would be someone else to pick up the slack.

You are worth taking care of. You have only one mind and one body. Take care of them.

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Five Powerful Reasons to Smile

I decided a few years ago that I wanted to be the kind of person that chooses happiness. I realized, finally, that my emotions were my own responsibility and that whether or not I could control my circumstances and what was happening around me, I do have the power to manage what I am feeling. It’s not always the easy choice. And in all honesty, it is sometimes a challenge. But, for the most part, a smile is what you will see on my face because I know that it helps me shake off the negativity and feel better. So, for the tough times that life throws at you here are some things to keep in mind about the power of your beautiful smile.

  1. Research has proven that when you smile others find you more confident and attractive. When you present yourself with an engaging smile, you draw others to you like a magnet. Everyone wants to be around the person with uplifting energy, not someone who is constantly frowning and looks like their whole world is always crap. People want to be lifted up and feel better, not worse. So if it looks like you brought the party with you, then the party will follow you wherever you go. If you’re a serious person (like me) smiling makes you seem more approachable and sociable.
  2. Smiles are contagious. When you acknowledge people and smile at them, they can’t help but smile back. Everyone likes to be acknowledged…why NOT be the one to start the trend! We are built to smile back…so flash those pearly whites and make someone’s day! Don’t take yourself so seriously…you’re missing out on a lot of fun.
  3. Releases ‘feel good’ hormones and represses stress hormones. When you smile, your body releases the same hormone that gives chocolate its ‘feel good’ response to your brain. Only a smile is up to 2000 times as powerful as a bar of chocolate (but without the calories). Smiling also reduces stress-inducing hormones like cortisol and increases mood-enhancing hormones like serotonin. This can lead to reduced stress and lower your blood pressure.
  4. Smiles make the difficult stuff more bearable. When challenging situations happen (and they will happen) you have the choice about whether to slide down the rabbit hole of negativity or smile anyway. I shared with you our recent cross-country move to San Diego and the multitude of things that went wrong on the trip. I could have easily caved under the weight of the constant barrage of obstacles I had to deal with. Not a single thing went as planned. But, I believe my commitment to staying positive and my faith in what was possible helped me keep smiling and stay cheerful. Staying positive and smiling helped make the situation much more bearable.
  5. The more you do it, the easier it gets to do it often! Practice until smiling becomes a new habit. Our brain’s natural tendency is to think negatively as a defense mechanism. In order to lay a new foundation of neurotransmitters and retrain your brain, you must practice smiling more frequently. Our thoughts influence our feelings, which then influence our behavior (action). If you find yourself feeling sad, angry, depressed, confused, or just out of sorts for whatever reason, I challenge you to find something worth smiling about anyway. Think of things that you are grateful for. Visit friends and family. Watch a funny movie or listen to a comedian. Volunteer at a park, hang out in nature. Visit your local animal shelter and pour some love into some deserving but neglected pets. Just do something you know will turn that frown upside down and your feelings and behavior WILL follow.

Deal with life head on, hold your head up high, stand tall, walk with purpose, look people in the eye, and give them your best 1,000-watt dazzler. Smiling more has made such a huge difference for me in how I interact with people as well as how I feel daily. Try it and let me know the impact it has for you.

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Take Action Against A Silent Killer

There isn’t a single person immune to the effects of stress.  Stress is the main cause of most emotional and physical distress. Left untreated the effects can be truly devastating.  Chronic stress can lead to serious health problems like high blood pressure, gastrointestinal problems and ulcers, obesity, headaches, anxiety, depression, insomnia, heart disease, chronic pain, and suicide.

In some instances, stress can be beneficial.  It can give you the drive and energy to get through an exam, or a deadline for a project.  But extreme stress left untreated can have dire health consequences affecting the immune system, your heart, and take an emotional toll on your heart and mind.

Because the consequences can be dire, it’s imperative we find a healthy way to deal with stress as it occurs so its potential negative effects are avoided.  Everyone is unique and the ways we manage stress should be, too.  You can find new hobbies to focus on like gardening or art, or put your physical energy into yoga or power walking to channel your stress.  But, please, don’t just medicate the symptoms you’re dealing with without making some lifestyle changes.

Personally I have found a few different coping mechanisms to deal with stress in my own life.  One is exercise.  When I exercise I clear my mind.  I focus on my physical response to the intensity of the work out.  I provide a channel for the stress to flow out and away from my body.  The energy my body gives off exercising is like an exit system for my stress.  Exercise also boosts the serotonin levels in your brain, which are the “feel good” neurotransmitters that affect our mood.

Sometimes the answer is as simple as walking away and taking a few deep breaths.  Deep breathing is really critical to help reset your body, slow your heart rate and blood pressure down and give you perspective.  The frontal lobe of your brain can’t properly think through a situation if the fire alarm is going off (amygdala) and the adrenalin and cortisol levels surge.  We often just need a few moments to calm down, think about the situation, rationalize it out, get back on even footing, and then we can deal with what’s in front of us.  It’s ok to take a break from what’s causing you distress.  The break from the constant barrage of the stressor can lead to the breakthrough to overcome the situation.

One of the biggest ways we create stress for ourselves is because we expect perfection, from others, and ourselves too.  We are all human.  We will make mistakes, fall short, and get things wrong sometimes.  And that’s ok, because we learn from all of those things.  We have an uncanny ability to take those lessons and, at the next opportunity, rise to the challenge and surpass expectations.  So give yourself the opportunity to fail every once in a while.  Then when the big wins come, the reward is so much greater!

Perhaps the most important thing I do is maintain my spiritual connection.  Whether it’s meditation or prayer, etc., it’s important for you to get very still, center yourself, and focus on you.  Listen carefully and focus on what your inner being is trying to tell you.  Being connected on a deeper level helps your mind and body relax.  It allows you to forgive yourself and others, let go of situations, and release physical and mental stress.

When you learn some simple ways to channel the stress in your life, you can reduce the harmful manifestations physically and emotionally.  But you have to be proactive. If you know you are stressed out…or if you are already dealing with the negative consequences of leading a chronically stressful life (physically or emotionally), it’s time to do something about it.  Stop pretending you are invincible and you can continue to mistreat your body and mind without paying the price.  It’s time to pay attention, take notice, and DO something about it.  You have only one body and one mind.  You absolutely MUST take excellent care of them both to live a healthy and happy life.  I’m here to help.  Let’s DO this.

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Together We Rise

What do you do when you have planned something out and expect everything to go according to plan…and then…it doesn’t?

This actually happens to me ALL the time! It’s a wonder I actually expect things to go according to plan anymore! But, my recent experience moving from one side of the country (USA) to the other became an almost comical scenario of “one more thing” that could go wrong and did!

It all started off pretty well…my cousin’s family was our send off committee and ensured we had every possible thing we could need for our journey. Armed with a car fully stocked with goodies as well as emergency necessities like flashlights and jumper cables, I felt fully prepared to take this long journey. The plan was to leave on Friday morning and get to our destination by Monday night/Tuesday lunchtime at the latest…

I had the car checked…made sure the tires, alignment, balancing, oil and all other fluids were all checked to make sure my 13 year old SUV could make the journey 2700 miles…and she got a clean bill of health.

I arranged with the movers for them to deliver the furniture on the Wednesday, giving me plenty of time to get there (I thought). I wasn’t particularly happy with them since they added an extra $2600 to my bill when they came to pick up the furniture and was simply hoping everything would get to San Diego in one piece.

In truth, that was my hope and prayer for everything…that we would all make it across safely and in one piece. I had my daughter, our dog, and 2 fish with me. Yes, I traveled 2700 miles across the country with 2 LIVE fish! Some might say it was ridiculous to go to such lengths for 2 little $5 Betta fish, but they were my daughter’s pets and I wanted her to be able to keep them if at all possible.

What I got to practice during this trip was flexibility and being able to BEND when it seemed like the circumstances were conspiring to break me. Traveling with kids and pets (by yourself) is not for the faint of heart! There were hotels that turned us away or charged us extra fees and we ate most of our meals in the car, on the run or in our hotel room. And then, 3 days into our trip, my fabulously reliable SUV began having trouble and we got stuck in Albuquerque, New Mexico for 2 days!

At that point, I don’t think anyone would have faulted me for getting upset or beginning to think the trip was a disaster…or even beating myself up over the decision to make the drive by myself in the first place…but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t quit…I couldn’t get despondent; our troupe was counting on me to remain positive and get us ALL safely transported to our new home. I kept reminding myself that we were all OK (which is what was most important to me) and that this obstacle could be overcome and would work itself out eventually.

I must also add that having a super-duper-spectacular daughter certainly helped. She sat in the car with me for 12 -13 hours each day, entertaining herself and not complaining or whining or even asking “Are we there yet?” As fabulous as I’ve always known her to be, this was a surprise. I imagined that as an 8 year old, fussing and complaining would come with the territory of being cooped up in a car for so long. But I was wrong. She was amazing.

After 2 days in Albuquerque, the problem was supposedly fixed and we were on our way again…only the problem wasn’t fixed properly…and even with the mechanics’ reassurances, I could tell things were really not quite right and spent the next 800+ miles quite literally praying that my car would safely make it through the desert. It was the most intense driving experience I have ever had. And now I know that it was nothing short of a major miracle along with sheer determination and perseverance on both my part as well as my SUV’s part that we actually made it to within about 30 miles of our final destination before the car fully conked out.

As frustrating as that could have been, I found myself practicing being calm regardless of the external circumstances I was dealing with. And rather IMG_1571than getting angry or frustrated, I was so very grateful. We made it!! We broke down right as we got here, but we made it!! I was also grateful that a dear friend happened to be close by and rescued us from the car and took care of us for the remainder of the day.

But that wasn’t the end of it…remember at the beginning I told you it was an almost comical scenario of one thing following the other…so what else didn’t go according to plan???

Well…let’s see…I lost the cashier’s check I needed to pay the movers quite literally 5 minutes after I purchased it (and it was quite a complicated & expensive process to stop payment and get it reissued) and the movers wouldn’t begin delivery of the furniture without the check; the movers charged me an additional fee for bringing the furniture up 4 flights of stairs (even though I had already told them there were stairs only and no elevator to our new home); it took them 2 days to deliver and fully unload everything; I discovered that the work done on the car in New Mexico was not very good and fixing the car at this point would end up costing almost as much as it is worth; had to get another car; my laptop disappeared; I hurt my back with all the bending and lifting and stretching I was doing and could barely move for 2 days. And ALL this happened (and even more) in just a matter of a few days…but instead of spending lots of energy focusing on this…

Here’s what I pay attention to:

We ALL got here safely. Everything else is replaceable, we aren’t. We have a lovely place to live, my daughter likes our new home, and has already begun making new friends. I found a great chiropractor to help me with my back and he was kind enough to see me immediately because he could see how much pain I was in (and gave me a discount)…I have a car on loan as I figure out what’s next for me and my SUV…we are almost completely unpacked…and I got to spend time with my friend who rescued us from the streets. And, in general, EVERYONE we have met here in San Diego has been pretty awesome and very helpful.

So, in truth, I can’t help but be appreciative and grateful. I know it could have been much, much worse. And, as things begin to settle down, I know that this too shall pass and soon enough everything will get sorted out.

I share this with you so you can see that my life isn’t perfect…things don’t always go exactly the way I want them to…I’m not “lucky” and get everything I want…. I have had many trials and tribulations, lots of pain and hurt, and made lots and lots of mistakes. Many. My life and many of my past and current experiences…are just like yours.

But, most importantly of all, the one promise I have made myself is that no matter what happens, no matter how many times I may fall or get knocked down, I will always RISE. I may not always feel like it…and sometimes I just want to quit…but I will always get back up. And, in order to do that, I must stay focused on what’s going right when it seems like everything is going wrong.

This is my message to you. It may seem like it’s hard to be positive when all seems like it is falling apart…but it really isn’t. It is truly a choice. A choice you can make to believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel…even when you think that there is no way out.

You have the ability to rise. No matter what. Be committed to YOU and your journey. Let’s stay in this together…and, like a phoenix, together we RISE.

 

 

 

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How to Strike it Happy: No Matter What!

36177351_sYou may not want to believe this…but it is true: You control your happiness. That’s right. Whether you like to admit it or not, there is no one else responsible for your well-being or happiness other than you. And for many that is simply a very uncomfortable thought and so we reject it. We prefer to think instead that someone or something will “make” us happy. But in all reality, that doesn’t really happen. That’s just a temporary fleeting moment that passes and then we’re on to the next thing we believe will “make” us happy…but then it doesn’t either. And, I find that this is when sometimes people become really despondent…when the things they thought were going to make them happy, don’t. True happiness and real joy come from being fully present in the here and now and embracing what IS while knowing that you have the absolute power to create your own life. There are possibilities and opportunities all around you but they may not look exactly like you imagine or you may not be able to see your own blind spots. When you shine a light in those shadows and open your eyes to new possibilities, you may see non-typical options and unveil your happiness. It lives right inside of YOU!

So often I hear: “that’s easier said than done.” Trust me, I know because I’ve been there! So I want to share some tips on how I work on my emotional well-being & happiness daily, and you can, too.

  1. Choose to be happy. It’s really simple. You can choose to allow yourself to wallow, be down, be depressed, and unhappy if you let your mind to just spiral out of control (and it can happen SO fast). Or you can make the choice to work through the obstacles and uncover the happiness and joy that already exists within you. It’s in there, I promise. It’s covered with the sludge of some difficult life experiences, pain, and hurt; but it is still there. You don’t have to FIND it; you allow it to come to the surface. You choose it. Everyday.
  2. Understand what makes you happy. Honestly, I don’t think enough of us know the answer to this. We live today so focused on becoming people who are supposed to conform, perform, and produce academically and professionally, that we have lost sight of exactly WHO we are. We’ve been taught to do this, say that, or look like another in order to be considered a success. We need to discover what really makes us happy and define success for ourselves, not others. Usually, happiness comes from truly BEING who you were designed to be.
  3. Take time to enjoy the simple things. What makes you close your eyes and breathe a deeply contented, happy sigh while enjoying one of life’s moments of peace and joy? Admiring the beauty of nature? Finishing a wonderfully written book? Taking a Saturday afternoon nap? Playing with your children and hearing them laugh? Visiting your best friend? Take a moment to enjoy the truly simple yet wonderful moments in life on a regular basis.
  4. Change your thinking. Your self-talk can make or break you. Negative self-talk can make challenging circumstances turn into suffering. You can’t control everything that happens in life but you can control how you respond to it. And the first place of action is in your mind. Reframe all those negative worse case scenario doomsday gloomy predictions turning them into positive planning and look for solutions instead of dead ends.
  5. Be forgiving. Unresolved anger for past hurts is a surefire way to kill your happiness. It takes a significant amount of energy to hold on to angry feelings and you will be robbed of all joy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that whatever happened was right or your fault. It has nothing to do with who is responsible for whatever hurt you experienced. But what forgiveness does allow is for you to take back your power. Being forgiving means putting the pain and suffering where it rightly belongs. In the past. This then allows you to move forward with your life without the baggage of the anger weighing you down. You’ll then be back in charge and free.
  6. Get some perspective. It may sound cliche but truthfully if you change your outlook by focusing on what can go well, IS going well, and has gone well, you really will change everything about the way you look and feel about your life. When faced with challenges, the viewfinder through which we look at our life and circumstances can become very small. We turn inward and start believing that our lives are terrible and will never get better. And, to make matters worse, we then look for validation in the environment to support our view that things are terrible. Remember that like a phoenix, you can rise up from any fall, misstep, tragedy, or failure. No matter what has happened, you have the ability to rise up, stand strong, and keep moving forward.
  7. Have fun. Life is a journey and it peaks and valleys somewhat like a roller coaster. When you learn to live in the here and now you can be present and enjoy the ride. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Have fun getting outside that box of your comfort zone you exist in. Do something you’ve ALWAYS wanted to do but either never had the courage, or thought it would be this thing you do someday…when you have time. Well, there is no such thing as someday. It doesn’t exist. And, soon enough, someday will become never. And life will have passed by while you wait on the right time or circumstances to have fun. Would you like your legacy to be that you loved, laughed, and lived life to the fullest? IF so, then get out there and do it!
  8. Surround yourself with positive people. If you’re prone to struggling with being positive, please limit contact with others who encourage a pattern of negative thinking. If you feel like your energy is being drained around certain people or have friends who love having a pity party, it’s time for some new people in your life. Seek out friends and family who are living the kind of life you are envisioning. You want people who will uplift you, energize you, and are a joy to be around.
  9. Be grateful. Each day, spend some quiet time thinking about all the things you have to be grateful for and write them down in a journal. Write down things about your self, your day, your life, and the people you love and care for. Keep the words only positive and spend time really reflecting. Then, each and every time you find yourself stuck focusing on a negative perspective that you can’t shake get out your journal. Remind yourself of all the good around you. Focus on these things until the negative thoughts pass.

Happiness isn’t something you have to go searching for. You don’t have to find it. It isn’t lost. It exists within you. It may be buried underneath some things that need to be healed or forgiven or moved beyond, but it IS in there. If you follow these simple steps daily, you will start to see something incredible unfold. The vice grip that negativity and pain have on your heart will loosen and joy and happiness will be set free. And before you know it, you won’t be trying to be happy, you WILL be happy because you will have the freedom to enjoy the roller coaster of life. You’ve got this!

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Be Unstoppable… No Matter What!

noahWhatever it is that you are personally going through may be very challenging and I don’t want to discredit your struggle in any way. But I would like to offer something to think about to help you gain some perspective on your situation. Whenever I’m going through a particularly tough time and feeling low, down on myself, or having that nattering negative self-talk going on in my head, I’ve come to realize that I have 2 choices: I can give in to the chaos and let it catch me in its spin and quite literally run away with me seemingly spinning out of control; or, I can focus on finding solutions, overcoming whatever is in my way, and focus on being grateful for what is going well and what I do have that is positive in my life.

It’s really easy to become so focused on our problems and what we think isn’t working or everything that we have suffered through or experienced in our life. But, the more we worry and obsess about them the bigger they become in our minds. And then it seems being happy or having a different life is impossible and problems, challenges, or obstacles have no solution. But if we don’t fuel the worry and instead turn our attention to finding solutions (even if they aren’t perfect or exactly what we would like) we become able to see opportunities and possibilities where we previously saw nothing. When we decide to get back up and focus on taking action and creating solutions, our problems don’t seem as significant because they appear solvable.

And when you really think about it, you can overcome just about anything. Take Noah Galloway for example. Like many people I became a huge fan of his after watching him dance on the popular show Dancing With the Stars and I now follow him on social media because he inspires me. I remember the first time I saw him and listened to what the judges said to him. I was moved to tears and even as I remember it now, I feel emotional. His story is extraordinary! HE is extraordinary! I was in awe of his resilience and his tenacity…and his humbleness and grace. I can’t even begin to imagine the challenges he’s had to face, and not just physically. When I think about the emotional mountain he must have had to climb to not just overcome his physical injuries but also to reclaim his life and to accept how different both he and his life would be. It would have been understandable had he just given up. But he didn’t.

Noah Galloway (in case you are unfamiliar with his story) is a US Army veteran who served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. In 2005, during his second deployment, he was injured in an IED attack, losing his left arm above the elbow and his left leg above the knee. His right leg and jaw were also badly injured. After such a horribly traumatic experience, Noah understandably struggled with depression and alcohol abuse as he tried to figure how to live his life now that everything had changed. And then he made the decision to get back up, get healthy, and become someone who inspires others. And since then he’s been unstoppable. You can see more of the episode of DWTS that inspired me here.

Noah is constantly setting his sights on new goals and is not let anything stop him from achieving so many things! He’s become a motivational speaker helping others through similar situations. He began a career as a personal trainer, even competing in 5K and 10K races across the country. He became a model and sets an example of men’s health and fitness. And then, he competed in the ballroom dancing competition, Dancing with the Stars, on national television and came in 3rd place.

Truly, I can’t imagine someone any more deserving of the title Hero. But even more than that, how incredibly amazing and inspiring is Noah’s will to live life fully no matter what life has thrown in his way? I want that for you! If I’m being honest, I want that for me, too 🙂 That’s why I try so hard to think of ways to help get you through your difficult times. I want you to make it through to the other side, being unstoppable and ready to take on the world!

I want you to see, believe, and live in such a way that your pursuit of your own goals and dreams becomes a model to others to not let anything stop them either. So let’s get out there, take a look around, shake off the pity party, and get to living!

 

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Big News! Taking a Leap of Faith

25034666_sHave you ever felt like you’re on the precipice of something huge but not quite sure exactly what’s going to happen next? Well, I’m right in the middle of something just like that right now actually. We are moving all the way across the country to San Diego, California and although I am excited about this move, I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a wee bit nervous, anxious, stressed, worried, or scared.

I am no stranger to major moves. When I was 18, I moved from the UK to Miami, Florida; and then 19 years ago, I chose the Washington, DC area as my home. When I was younger, before I was a mother, and it was earlier in my career, decisions like these weren’t that difficult to make. Now, not only does the established success of my career become something to reflect on, but more importantly, my daughter’s happiness and well-being are major factors to consider. It’s no longer just me that I have to think about.

For many, having unknowns like these would stop them in their tracks…and yes, I did mull it over for what seemed like an eternity – wondering what was likely to happen and wishing with all my heart that I had a crystal ball that could give me some guarantee that everything would be just fine. Unfortunately, in reality there is no such thing. So, I had to do what I frequently tell you to do. Get very still, listen and pay attention. What kept coming up for me is that we will be fine. I mean, seriously…living in San Diego couldn’t be anything other than wonderful!

And the truth is, we’ll probably flourish, have fun, and live out some radical new possibilities. But if I were to allow it, the second-guessing would be driving me crazy, playing tricks with my mind. I could easily fill my mind with all the “what if” disaster scenarios of everything going wrong. Instead, I have chosen to practice what I preach and stay on top of my own inner dialogue when I get scared of the unknown – reminding myself that no matter what happens, we will be fine…I always land on my feet…and no matter how many times I fall down, I ALWAYS get back up. I got this.

This is one of those times that I’m often telling you about when it’s important to really make sure you’re grounded and present and can hear your inner voice. You can sift through the chaos playing through your mind and emotions and realize that out of the jumble of craziness is a sense of knowing that the fear and anxiety you’re feeling is ACTUALLY a positive thing. It’s bubbling up through your soul and coming out as excitement with a side helping of nervous energy. That’s pretty awesome! It lets you know you’re alive and in the moment.

I truly have no idea what will happen when we get there. We are leaving everything and everyone and setting out on an adventure.
But I’m ok. You know why? Because there are some things I know for certain, no matter what else is unknown about this…

  • I know that the beauty of how I do my work is that I can work from anywhere and my clients can live anywhere in the world. I’ve worked with clients all over the US, Canada, Europe, and even in Iraq. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are people all over the world who need my help. I’m experienced and uniquely skilled to help people discover how to live a life they love and transform from the inside out to stop being exhausted and start being exhilarated. So, I believe my career will be just fine.
  • I know that with technology at our fingertips, friends and family will only be as far away as a phone or video chat (gotta love the technology). Sure we’ll miss them. But we’ll be creative with vacations and now our friends and family will have a new place to visit. I’m sure we’ll also be making lots of new friends, having fun and enjoying lots of incredible experiences. Soon we’ll begin to form new, close relationships in our new lives.
  • I know that my daughter is getting a life experience that many people would avoid. It’ll be a life lesson (or many lessons) for sure. Yes, it’s still scary for both of us…and we’re doing it anyway. And there are so many more things for her to learn, see, and do because of our willingness to take this chance! I would much rather have her learn how to deal with change in a positive way at a young age than to be crippled with fear and anxiety when new opportunities or new challenges arise.

And I know that if you give yourself a chance to be open, enjoy the moment, and take a leap of faith with those big dreams and decisions you’ve been running from instead of embracing, you can and will find yourself in an amazing place full of opportunity and hope for a happy future!

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Overcoming the Stigma of Mental Health Issues

31231050_sOftentimes when we look at other people – our neighbors, colleagues, and friends – we imagine they and their lives are perfect. We imagine they have fewer difficulties than us…we believe that mental illness would never touch their lives. We may look at that celebrity on TV, the 6-figure executive of a big corporation, the work at home mom with a successful business, the college student with a 4.5 GPA and on the college swim team or the high school teen on the honor roll and think they couldn’t possibly have any difficulties in their lives or suffer with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder or some other debilitating mental illness. But, the truth is that mental health issues do not discriminate. Anyone, no matter who you are, where you come from, how much money you or your family have or how much “stuff” you have…anyone…can be suffering in a way you would never imagine.

Do you know what the difference is between them and you? Honestly, very little if anything at all. You cannot assume that you are suffering more severely or that they are less affected because money or status is involved. Not being able to see someone else’s issue or their struggle internally doesn’t mean everything is perfect or that they can’t possibly know what it’s like to be in your shoes mentally and emotionally. We have got to stop comparing ourselves so much and judging people…many of whom we don’t even know!

There is such stigma associated with mental illness and getting the help and support…or even medication that’s needed. People (no matter their background) believe themselves to be weak when their mind feels like it is out of control and their emotions send them into the pits of hell. Self-loathing, judgment, and thinking you are worthless are just a few of the thoughts that come to mind. As someone who has also battled depression more than once in my life, I know how easy it can be for things to get really dark really fast and it seem like it will never get better. In this place, your mind feels like it is a tornado spinning out of control and sucking the very life and light from you. And, yes, it really is awful. And it is often difficult for your friends and family to understand or help you… But there are things you can do.

First and foremost, acknowledge that there is something wrong and that it doesn’t mean that you’re weak because you need help. And then, don’t trick yourself into believing you have to show how “strong” you are by going it alone. It’s so hard to do this all by yourself. Being strong really means knowing how to access and utilize the tools and services that are available to you and really USING them.

So, remember these four things when you find yourself wanting to suffer in silence or thinking you shouldn’t get help for your particular mental health struggle:

  • Don’t let the misguided perceived stigma of mental illness and seeking treatment hold you back from having the enjoyable and healthy life you deserve.
  • Don’t allow yourself to feel shame because of what you’re dealing with. It is not a sign of personal weakness that you’re battling with mental health issues.
  • Don’t isolate yourself from others. Seek professional help, reach out to friends and family, and stay connected to your support system. They are crucial in helping you fight when you don’t have it in you to do it for yourself. Join a support group with others who have similar issues.
  • Most of all don’t equate yourself with your illness. You are not your illness – it does NOT define you. Instead of saying, “I am…” say, “I have…”

Judgment about mental health issues usually stems from a lack of knowledge and understanding and is rarely based on facts. Our society does little to really focus on mental health. We don’t focus on prevention…or resiliency. We often wait until things reach crisis levels before doing anything about the problems we are facing. We do that with physical health problems…and we do that with mental health problems too. We really must stop doing that. If we focused more on health and prevention and instead of just on illness and treatment or cure, people would be so much healthier and happier. In the meantime, educate yourself about your issue, explain to those around you how it’s affected you and show them how they can support you. And, even if they don’t or can’t understand, you can get the tools you need to get better anyway. Why? Because YOU can do it. It’s your life. You are in charge of your mind and you’ve got this J I believe in you.

 

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I Am Enough

I Am EnoughEvery day I talk to clients, friends, and family members who are faced with the same issues you and I are dealing with. Every one of us has weaknesses, faults, flaws, etc. and yet we expect everyone around us (and ourselves) to be perfect and don’t give ourselves a break. We are judgmental and critical and can often have a really mean and nasty inner critic who loves nothing more than to keep pointing out all our flaws. And, because we think we should be perfect, we highlight and focus on those flaws and believe we are unworthy, unlovable, undeserving. Sound familiar?

You are a beautiful and unique individual. You were designed to be different. We are all meant to have weaknesses and flaws. And, you have incredible strengths and resilience that will help you overcome any of life’s challenges. They work hand in hand. You are already gifted with everything you need to overcome and conquer. You just have to reach inside, tap into it, and bring it out into the light.

So the next time something happens and your negative inner dialogue tries to bring up your flaws and shortcomings first. Stop the tape. Rewind. And think about how you are uniquely gifted in a way that sets you apart and allows you to handle whatever challenge you’re facing with your inherent strengths.

“I will never be as thin as so and so is…” can be turned into, “I will face today as a new challenge and keep making healthy choices. I will put myself first because I know that being healthy from the inside out is the best way to care for my family. Any setbacks are learning opportunities on how to succeed more tomorrow.”

“I am a failure as a parent. My ex and I couldn’t make it work. Now my kids are living in two homes…” becomes, “I will make every interaction with my children as loving and meaningful as possible. I will call them daily, have special outings, and be fully present and engaged with them every time I am with them. All of my interactions with them will be focused on showing my children how their parents can successfully work together to co-parent effectively.”

Or, “I will never learn this, never graduate, and always be part of the working poor just like the rest of my family!” You can take control of that thought and tell yourself, “I will study; I will reach out to classmates, professors, and tutors; I will practice; and I will learn this college material, graduate and have a rewarding career. I control my future and my success.”

In any difficult situation tell yourself, “I am enough!” No matter what your circumstances in life, you are strong enough to live through and overcome them. It may not be easy, but it is absolutely possible. Your challenges can be a natural outlet to let your strengths shine through if you let them. You just have to learn how to harness them and not give up. Remember to embrace your gifts AND your flaws! We all have them so stop insisting you shouldn’t have any. And, don’t allow your inner critic to be mean and nasty to you because of them. You really are whole, perfect, and complete…just as you are.

 

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Finding Your Way Out of the Darkness of Depression

36497429_sI know I’ve shared with you before about my battle with depression while in graduate school studying for my doctorate in psychology. It was by far one of the most difficult and dark emotional times of my life. The symptoms of depression can destroy your will, your energy, your emotional and physical well-being, your relationships with those you love, and your life IF you let it.

If you’re struggling with depression right now, I want you to know that you are not alone. According to the WHO (World Health Organization) as many as 350,000,000 people battle some form of depression globally! That’s pretty staggering. And, many people won’t get any help for themselves because of the perceived stigma associated with depression. And I think that’s what saddens me the most. There are people suffering in darkness and silence because they are afraid of what other people might think. But this is YOUR life we’re talking about! And, the truth is there is absolutely no shame in admitting you are struggling to overcome the dark pull depression has on your life right now. None whatsoever. As a matter of fact, it takes incredible strength and courage to say, “I need help.”

Your negative inner dialogue can be even louder during tough emotional times. Do not isolate yourself. It’s one of the worst things you can do. Reach out to your loved ones. It’s not a sign of weakness to lean on those who love you when you need them. And, if they don’t understand or say unhelpful things, forgive them. Oftentimes people who have never experienced depression have no true understanding of what it is like to be depressed. But whether they get it or not, YOU must get help and support for yourself…and you have to take care of yourself.

So, here are ten things you can do right now to help yourself win this battle:

  1. Start a routine. You may feel like staying in bed and doing very little, but creating structure around your day and making sure that you not only get out of bed, but also get out of the house is crucial. Set the alarm and make yourself get up and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same time. Schedule activities for your day (and do them) and have a specific bedtime.
  2. Postpone major decisions. Do not decide to get married, get divorced, quit your job or make any other major life decision during this difficult time. Depression messes with your brain and you will not be thinking clearly (even when you think you are). You also are not really yourself. So, any big decision you make now you’ll be re-thinking later. Save yourself the second-guessing and leave the decision making for when you truly are feeling better.
  3. Exercise. I know some days you may not even feel like getting out of bed. I get it. But you can’t allow yourself to stay there. Get out of bed. Get out of the house. Go for a vigorous walk. Do some jumping jacks, crunches, or run. Anything that gets your heart rate pumping (even though you don’t feel like it). This activity will help boost your hormones (serotonin) and that will help you start feeling better naturally.
  4. Eat healthy & drink lots of water. This is not the time to skip meals, overeat, eat junk food, or forget to take your prescription medications. Our body and mind are connected. So how you take care of your body matters. Make eating healthy meals, and taking your medications and supplements part of your every day schedule. And drink plenty of water too as dehydration can affect your mood and functioning.
  5. Get restful sleep. I know you probably think you have been sleeping enough. But depressive sleep is often not a restful sleep. When it’s time for your scheduled bedtime turn off the TV, the phones, the lights, and anything that distracts you or keeps your mind engaged on any level. You want your mind to fully disengage and have proper cycles of REM sleep.       Feeling rested is imperative to getting better and having the emotional stamina to overcome. If insomnia is the problem, try deep breathing and meditation before bed (see below).
  6. Challenge negative thoughts.       Now is the perfect time to start mastering the art of managing your negative inner dialogue. When your negative thoughts start if you don’t shut them down quickly they will turn into a cyclone and spin out of control really fast. Get a notebook or journal and write down a reframe for the typical negative thoughts you have. Then, each time one of those thoughts pops up, look at your notebook and use one of the positive reframes to challenge the thought until you have control of your thoughts again.
  7. Deep breathing & meditation. For 15 minutes twice a day, develop a practice of deep mindful breathing. Most people don’t breathe very deeply and this affects how our mind and body function. Keep it simple. Inhale for a 5 count, hold for a 3 count, and exhale for 5. If inhaling first is difficult for you, exhale first and then start the inhale process. You might also want to do the second set of 15 minutes at night as it helps with restful sleep. Your mind does NOT need to be blank. When thoughts come. Acknowledge them and return to the counting.
  8. Stay connected. Don’t isolate yourself (even though you may want to). In your schedule, make time to be around people you care about and who care about you. And, do enjoyable things with them.
  9. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Alcohol and drugs may have you think you are feeling better initially, but they will not help the situation. Eventually, they can make things worse. Self-medicating is not addressing the problem…and alcohol is actually a depressant itself. So while it may “take the edge off” it will bring you down even further…hence the need for more and more. If you think you need alcohol or drugs to get through the day, please see a doctor.
  10. Get help. You don’t have to do this alone. Please contact a therapist, doctor, pastor, community center counselor, or if necessary go to the emergency room at the local hospital if you are feeling suicidal. Reach out and get the help you need. Suffering in the shadows isn’t necessary and it doesn’t help you.

Every moment that you say “No!” to the dark thoughts depression weaves in your mind, you are winning the battle. Depression can take a lot from you. But you have what it takes to fight back and breakthrough. Take action and take care of your emotional health and well-being. You got this.

 

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