I Accept You Anyway

What kind of relationship do you have with your body?? Like many women, I have had a love/hate relationship with my body for much of the more than four decades I’ve been alive!

When I was a teen, I felt awkward and skinny…too tall…didn’t like my shape…or the size of my feet. By my late 20s I grew to appreciate my height, shape and size…and then came a long period of depression and the weight gain from chocolate ice cream and medication. 30 lbs later I was disgusted with how I looked (though no one else seemed to notice) and wore big clothes to hide my shape. When I finally quit the ice cream and the medication and took up kickboxing, much of the weight came off and my body and I liked each other again.

When my mid 30s came along, I began to have stomach and gastrointestinal problems that had me feeling sick and in pain much of the time. I finally discovered I had multiple food allergies and intolerances. I had to change my diet quite drastically but once all the pain and discomfort went away, my body and I became friends again.

And then at 37 came a really hard blow…fertility problems. The doctor told me I had only a 5% chance of EVER having my own child and I should consider using donor eggs or adoption. He didn’t even want to try! I was devastated. And furious with my body! I had wanted children my whole life…and I had waited…and waited. And now my body didn’t care what I wanted, it had other ideas. I wanted a divorce…and in that moment I think I did mentally divorce myself from my body. How could it betray me like that? How could it fail me so much?

Thankfully, the doctor was willing to work with me after I insisted on trying anyway. Deep in my soul I believed that I was supposed to have my own biological child and I prayed I was right. I count myself amongst the very lucky ones. The deck seemed stacked against me. My body didn’t respond too well to the medications so we didn’t have much to work with. But as they say, it only takes one. And that “one” is my miracle daughter who is the light and joy of my life.

You would think that I then loved my body. But I didn’t. I was still very angry that it couldn’t do something as “simple” as reproduce without intervention. And I became angrier after having a miscarriage…and still angrier when attempts for a sibling yielded nothing. The 5% chance had dropped even lower! How could this be?? Everyone else around me seemed capable of having kids! Why would MY body NOT do it?

And then, on December 30, 2009, my body decided to really wage war against me (or that’s at least how it felt). I developed chronic hives (urticaria) with no known cause! Out of the blue, in the middle of an otherwise great day, I broke out in hives on my neck and within a couple of days they were everywhere! For 3 years I battled these hives. And again, I was furious. My body felt like it was fighting itself. And nothing I did would make it go away (and trust me I tried pretty much everything). There were days when I was embarrassed to leave the house because my face sometimes looked like I had been in a fight. The hives attacked my face, my body, my legs and left me swollen and itchy. Everywhere. And nothing would keep them down except steroids. And I hated the steroids almost as much as I hated the hives. It made me feel awful…bloated…puffy…my bones ached. Yuck!

And then I realized that I couldn’t continue to do battle against my own body anymore. Hating it and how it was functioning was causing it to wage war against itself and I was powerless to do anything about it. I then surrendered. I decided that I wasn’t going to fight with and hate my body anymore and I didn’t care about finding a “cure” for the hives just something that stopped me from having to use steroids. I did finally find something that helped me wean off the steroids and I haven’t seen a hive in well over a year now. I think they still live in my body and if my body gets out of balance, they will show me they’re still there.

Did I magically fall in love with my body?? No. But I started to accept the body I DO have and the way it functions. It’s the only body I have and it has its pros and cons. We have to accept the good with the bad and be grateful for what we do have. I learned that the hard way. Today I appreciate my body for its strength and for my overall good health.

Hating yourself or your body will NEVER do anything other than bring you pain and sadness. It’s important to really stop and think about how you feel about yourself. Even when you are hurting, learn to love and appreciate yourself anyway.

A good mantra is: Even though [I have whatever challenge], I [Love/Accept/Appreciate] myself/my body anyway.

So for me it’s “Even though my body cannot give me any more children, I love and accept it anyway.”

Peace and Blessings,